High School Again and Again
It’s SPM again, and I need my textbooks.
I panic. I search everywhere. But I can’t find them.
Slowly, I get to find a book here and a book there. Altogether, I just got my history, physics, chemistry and moral studies books. Everything else, I’m going into a higher level of panic as I cannot find them.
Then it hit me.
I need to find the electronic versions online.
So, I go to the Internet. But, when I was going to find them, mom was already outside the house horning for me to go to school.
I packed my bags and headed out. That’s when I wake up.
It’s a dream, and I’ve been dreaming this for a long, long time. I don’t know how many times I have been back to high school. How many times I’ve taken my final year exams. How many times I’ve graduated, gone back to school and repeated the process, I don’t know. Sometimes it even makes me feel that, in reality, I have been back to the final year for real a few times trying to get my grades up.
All my friends are familiar. All my classmates, really. I don’t really talk to them. But I know who they are.
It was Form 4. That’s the year my mental health really got bad. It went over the cliff when I got to Canada. I got hospitalized, and then I’ve been on meds ever since.
I’ve gone back to that time in my dreams almost every day. I don’t know how long I have been going back there. But it feels like years.
The dreams aren’t always the same. But I am always back in Form 4 for some reason. It’s as if I want to change the past. How my grades turned out. How I didn’t get into Harvard. How I wanted to be in classes that I skipped since then.
I have loved going to school since I was 3 years old. But, it all changed in Form 4. Then I have also been out of school for more than 10 years now, and I crave to go back.
Even if I go back as a teacher, it will not be the same as a student.
We all just have to move on somehow. But that is not happening to me in my dreams.
Will I be able to get out of there any time soon?
I don’t know.
One thing is for sure.
I need to move on. But I don’t know how.
I will find a way.